You are someone who struggles with orgasm.
Maybe you have never had an orgasm to your knowledge and are frustrated by this every time you have a sexual encounter with a partner.
Perhaps you are able to reach orgasm but only by yourself or only in specific instances.
Many women, or people who own vulvas and vaginas, struggle with orgasm due to many different factors and I am here to help give you some insight and tips on how we can work on you feeling in control of your orgasms.
Why Is Having An Orgasm So Hard?
There are many reasons why women struggle with orgasm, but let’s start with one of the big ones… the patriarchy.
Yes, women are sold the messages about them being objects for male pleasure from a very young age, but rarely if ever, are women talked to about their own pleasure and how to feel empowered by it. This makes knowing and understanding your body difficult because you are told that touching yourself and masturbating is not okay or are simply just left in the dark to either figure it out for yourself or rely on a partner to know how to give you pleasure.
For many women who grow up in religious households or households that just did not talk about sex, there is a lot of shame around sex and the female body. This shame can lead to many women rejecting their bodies. They may feel insecure and grossed out just by the look or smell of their bodies. Women become afraid of what a partner may think of their bodies and if they are attractive enough. Many women end up avoiding their genitals and not exploring what pleasure could feel like for them because of this shame.
Other reasons for why orgasm may be hard are relationship issues, stress, anxiety, depression, pelvic or vaginal pain, problematic beliefs or narratives around sex, and not enough pathways to desire and/or arousal. I will note here that pain can definitely be a cause for orgasm problems. If you are experiencing any pain with intercourse or orgasming, I recommend seeing a urogynecologist and/or a pelvic health physical therapist in addition to a sex therapist.
When women do not feel safe and comfortable in their bodies or in sexual experiences with a partner and do not even understand their own anatomy well enough to guide their partner to their own pleasure, orgasms can be hard to come by.
Tips for Having An Orgasm
Learn Your Anatomy – This can be scary to do for many women. However, getting to know and understand your own anatomy is so important. Sit or lay on your bed or another comfortable surface. Take some deep breaths and find comfort and safety in your space. Use a mirror to look at your vulva and vaginal opening. Look up a diagram of the vulva on google that has labels of the different parts of the vulva and vaginal opening. A diagram is linked below. Locate your clitoris and your urethra. Locate your labia minora and majora. Locate your mons pubis, perineum, and anus. When you have found all your parts, notice what they look like. If you want to, you may want to touch them and see how they feel. When you are done, say thank you to your body and journal about how that experience was for you. Did you learn anything new?
https://myvagina.com/getting-know-vulva-guide/
Befriend Your Vulva – Again take some time for yourself in a comfortable, relaxing, environment where you feel safe and private. Touch your vulva and focus on the different sensation you feel. Use different types of touch. You can do circular touch, stroking touch, hard or soft pressured touch. Play around with different patterns and ways of touching and see what feels good. Start off slow and on the outside, touching your inner and outer labia and venturing to your clitoris. If you feel comfortable enough, you can put a finger or fingers into your vagina and see how that feels. When you are done, always thank your body after touch. Other ways you can continue to build positive association with your vulva are to draw a picture of your vulva, write a letter to your vulva about your feelings towards it and how you want your relationship to be, and use positive affirmations or loving kindness meditations about your vulva.
Calm Your Mind and Body – Use deep breaths and mindfulness techniques to work to calm your mind and focus on the sensations running through your body. Know that this is a process and may take some practice before it feels easier to do. Your body will not feel aroused or get to orgasm without being in a calm and relaxed state.
Work on Problematic Narratives – Address any narratives for yourself that are negative around sex, masturbation, and orgasm. These narratives can be around both self and partnered pleasure. You will not be able to orgasm unless you also believe orgasm safe, okay, pleasurable, and that you deserve to have one!
Masturbate – After taking some time to create a positive association to your vulva, start to go from loving and sensual touch to more arousing and sexual touch. Use the information you have gathered on what feels good to your body. You may also want to try incorporating some vibration with a vibrator. If you have never used a vibrator before, start out small and on the less expensive side. You don’t want to spend a ton of money on a vibrator you may not like or may be too powerful for the sensation that fits you best. Here is a great resource for understanding more about how to pleasure a vulva and vagina. https://start.omgyes.com/join
Communicate – Once you have figured out what works for you and can successfully orgasm on your own, work to feel comfortable with your partner and communicate about what you want and need from your sexual experiences. It is not your partners job to know how to pleasure you. It is actually your job to teach your partner what feels good to you and how to get you to be able to achieve the pleasure you are seeking. Know that length of time here does not matter. However long it takes you to get to orgasm is completely okay. You and your partner do not need to be in a rush. Working to lesson any guilt and shame around how long it takes is important.
Use Lube! – Using a lubricant is so important to making sure friction is not impeding your ability to feel pleasure instead of pain or discomfort. Here is a helpful guide to figure out which lube is right for you.
https://www.smittenkittenonline.com/blogs/smitten-kitten-blog/smitten-kittens-hassle-free-guide-to-lubricants/
See a sex therapist and other specialized sexual health professionals – When all else fails or you start working on these tips and find you need some support and guidance in this journey, seeking out a sex therapist can be beneficial in helping you work through anxiety, trauma, or the problematic narratives that are keeping you from being able to approach sex in the way you desire. A sex therapist can also help you bridge some of this individual work with beginning to explore sex and orgasm with your partner while helping your partner know how best to support you in your work. If you are experiencing any pain associated with penetration, orgasm, or the general vulva area, seeking out a pelvic floor physical therapist and possibly a urogynecologist is incredibly helpful to your work with a sex therapist as well. These professionals address pelvic pain specifically and are trained to understand the intricacies of how pain develops in this area. When working with multiple professionals at the same time, you are given a team of people holistically working to help you achieve your goals from multiple different approaches and disciplines. Here are a couple pelvic floor physical therapists I highly recommend in the Gig Harbor/ Tacoma, WA area.
https://www.drmandimurtaugh.com/ ;
https://www.madronapt.com/
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