You and your partner struggle to see each other’s perspectives and have little time to connect.
When you argue, you both go straight into what the other person is doing wrong and do not want to give up your stance to actually say what you feel in the moment.
Maybe you do not feel safe enough in the communication you and your partner have to verbalize what you are feeling.
Instead you get angry or shut down and do not speak at all.
Maybe you have not been taught or shown how to be vulnerable and it is hard to trust another person enough to completely open up.
Why is Vulnerability Needed?
Vulnerability is the way we connect to other human beings.
Have you ever been talking to someone who seems ‘fake’ or seems as though they are only comfortable talking about surface level topics?
How does that feel? Do you feel like you know them well after that conversation? Would you call on them in an emergency?
Chances are probably not.
Vulnerability connects us because it shows a level of trust in someone else to know things about us that we may not tell everyone.
Allowing yourself to be honest and open enables another person to have empathy for your experience and connect to you on an emotional level.
The other person is hopefully able to recognize that you have experienced something similar to them or at least an emotion that they have experienced before and that allows the other person to feel closer to you and trust you more as well.
Many people have a hard time with vulnerability.
Why is Vulnerability so Hard?
Most of the previous generations, from Millennials up, have grown up in families where vulnerability was not really championed or encouraged.
I cannot tell you how many people I have worked with that have told me they had an idyllic childhood because all of their physical needs were taken care of.
They had clothes, food, a bed to sleep in, and did after school activities.
Come to find out though, they were being abused in some way or had a parent who was absent physically and/or emotionally.
Phrases like, “If you don’t stop crying, I will give you something to cry about,” were stated because many parents again have been uncomfortable with emotions.
Many of the clients I encounter also have experienced immense amounts of trauma in their childhood and even in their relationships as well.
When these are your first experiences in being in relationship to another person, romantic relationships down the line become increasingly more difficult because it may feel as though it is hard to trust anyone enough to be vulnerable with them.
You may have also been so afraid of vulnerability for so long that you have lost your sense of who of you are.
The Gender Gap
Our society has deemed emotions to be more of a ‘feminine’ and ‘weak’ experience.
Boys historically have been told that emotions are not something they need to do deal with and all they need to do is focus on being independent successful achievers.
They are told vulnerability makes them weak and will not help them succeed in the competitive capitalistic world.
The narrow space given to men to feel connected to their partners is through sex instead of emotion.
Because of this, many of the heterosexual couples I see often have the issue where the male partner wants more sex because that is how he seeks connection and the female partner wants more emotional intimacy and vulnerability because that is how she seeks connection.
This is a generalization and is not always the case, but for the majority of the couples I see, this is the pattern they fall into.
Emotions are human, not female.
Many men also struggle with their sense of self, emotional regulation, mental health, and genuine connection in their relationships because of the division we as a society have created between them and their humanity.
4 Tips to Be More Vulnerable
Awareness – Start to become aware of your own emotions and your reactions to vulnerability. Does your partner ask for more openness in your relationship? How does that make you feel? What is your reaction to that request? Become more aware of your emotions, how they resonate in your body, and how you react.
Coping Skills – Work on coping skills you can use when you start to feel hard to feel emotions and want to run away from them and shut down.
Work on Communication Skills – Look at the way you are communicating in your relationship and how this affecting both partners desire to vulnerable. Are you practicing active listening, paraphrasing, and empathy? Or are you shutting down vulnerability by being defensive and accusatory? Work to create a safe space for vulnerability to be expressed.
Practice – Practice vulnerability on a regular basis. You can use Check Ins, as detailed in a previous blog, to practice opening up about yourself and your wants and needs in the relationship. You can go purchase couples vulnerability cards online and create a date night around playing a game and becoming curious about each other and your relationship again. Here are some suggestions: https://game.estherperel.com/ (also available on Amazon) AND https://www.intelligentchange.com/collections/play/products/get-closer-couples-edition
If you are someone struggling by yourself or in a relationship with vulnerability and would like that to change, please click the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation, and I would be happy to help you feel more connected to yourself and your partner again.