Sex After Baby

As a new Mom myself, navigating intimacy and sex after having my first child was challenging. Life is no longer just you and your partner being able to have intimate moments whenever you want. Taking care of a new baby can take the spontaneity out of sex and leave couples feeling distant and alone. On top of that, birthing partners have insane changing hormones and bodies that are healing from the extremely crazy challenge of birthing a human. Feelings of insecurity about your new postpartum body may become consuming. You are also getting used to new functions your body did not do before, such as making milk. Your hair may be falling out, you may or may not be able to get a shower in, and jammies, sweats, and anything that allows you to access your breasts (if you are breastfeeding) are your new uniform. Along with these changes, the non-birthing partner also goes through their own biological changes. Dads are shown to have a drop in testosterone as well as increases in other hormones such as progesterone and oxytocin that can last up to 3 months post birth. This allows for Dad’s to focus on bonding with baby, being more in tune to baby’s needs, and probably fair a bit better in needing to take a break from penetrative sex while their partner’s uterus, vagina, perineum, and pelvic floor heal. Now just because the birthing partner is told at around 6 weeks that they are cleared for sexual activity, does not mean that most birthing partners are ready for sex at that 6 week mark. Many partners are still needing some more time to heal mentally, emotionally, and physically.

The Two Most Common Problems You will Face and Tips on How to Handle It

Sex Will Probably Be a Bit Uncomfortable

Once you are ready to start trying to have penetrative sex again, sex will most likely be a bit uncomfortable and awkward for the birthing partner until their bodies get used to having something go in again, instead of a baby coming out. Your pelvic floor has had a lot of weight added to its load throughout pregnancy and then went through some significant trauma if you had a vaginal birth. If you had a c-section, your scare is still healing and you may feel numbness, tingling, and/or odd shooting pains in that area for months or sometimes years. Regardless of what kind of birth you had, your vagina actually goes into a temporary state of menopause during the postpartum period as well to detour you from getting pregnant again too soon. This state lasts different amounts of time for every birthing person, especially if you are breastfeeding. Your vagina will be dryer than normal and the walls will be smoother and less rigid, which actually makes the friction of penetrative sex a little more uncomfortable. **If you are feeling sharp pain where you are gritting your teeth to get through penetrative sex, please do NOT push through it and make an appointment with a women’s health physical therapist. There is a fine line during this time of tolerable pain/discomfort that gets better with time and pain that is too intense and does not lend to having a relaxing or enjoyable experience. **

What Can We Do?

1. Lube, Lube, and more Lube!! Invest in some good silicone and water based lubes to help lubricate the area when starting to have penetrative sex again. Silicone lube is more viscose and will last longer, however should not be used with silicone sex toys. Water based lube is great for use with toys but typically will need more frequent application.
2. Positive mindset! Knowing that this is what is to be expected, that your body will eventually heal and learn to have sex again, can make a huge difference in how you think about the discomfort you feel the first handful of times you try to have sex. If you go into these experiences with some knowledge about what you are experiencing, why it is feeling this way, and that it is only temporary, it can help you work through it by communicating with your partner on what feels ok and what does not, doing only as much as you can handle, and hopefully not getting discouraged or frustrated about sex not being quite the same as it used to be…yet!
3. Communicate with your Partner! Letting your partner know your expectations and what feels good as well as what does not before, during, and after sex can help you both navigate this new experience. Talking to your partner about using lube, what you need to get in the mood before you just jump into penetration, and where in your vagina it feels the best or the most uncomfortable is so important. It is common for the opening of your vagina to be sore so making sure you talk to your partner about using lube on both ends and taking entry as slow as possible with the birthing partner taking the lead and guiding the way can be helpful!
4. Be Kind to Yourself and Your Body! Know that more than likely, your partner is so in love with you and in awe of the strength you just showed in carrying and birthing your baby. They love your body just the way it is and just want to be close to you again. Know that your postpartum body is beautiful in whatever shape or form it’s in and it may help to talk to your partner about your fears or insectaries about sex or your body. Know that postpartum is a long journey that in my opinion is never fully complete. Our bodies never go back to exactly what they were pre-baby and that is absolutely okay!
5. Keep Trying to Have Sex! I know this sounds weird but the more you have sex after baby, the easier it will get on your body. Your pelvic floor will start relax and get used to how sex feels again and you will gain confidence over time as well that each time is a little bit easier and more enjoyable. It just takes time!!
6. Breathe! If anxiety starts to creep up and you are anticipating sex being somewhat uncomfortable, use your breath to help your brain and body connect and relax. Penetrative sex will be even more painful if you are clenching your body and dreading the sensations. Be patient with yourself and your body and just breathe!
7. See a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist! If you are needing any guidance in the pain you are experiencing or want to get some good tips on how to heal your pelvic floor, seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist or a women’s health physical therapist is a great resource. Here is my personal recommendation for people in the Gig Harbor and Tacoma, WA area: https://www.drmandimurtaugh.com/

Time

Cool so we have lube and some knowledge on how uncomfortable sex will be for my vagina but when do we have sex?? Well, that is definitely a hard question when you are new parents. Again, spontaneous sex is probably not going to be as much of a reality as maybe it once was and that is okay. Making time for sex and intimacy is really important for your relationship, so you both continue to feel like we can be a couple outside of just being parents.

                                          What Can We Do?

1. Schedule Sex! Whether it’s when the baby is sleeping more consistently and you plan sex during a nap or you get someone to come watch the baby for a few hours and sneak off to ‘go take a nap’… finding some time that fits in your routine or resources can make a big difference in it actually happening. Putting it on a calendar and making arrangements for it may be the only way to make sure you get in some sexy time together. 2. Communicate your needs and how much time you are wanting for sex and connecting. Do not expect your partner to just read your mind and know what your needs are.

3. Find time to connect in other ways beyond just sex. Sex can often be hard to get back online after baby but do not forget all the other ways of connecting as well. Sex does not have to be the only way the two of you connect. Cuddle on the couch together, hold hands, steel a kiss throughout the day, give each other hugs when feeling overwhelmed or grateful for your partner. All these ways of showing love and affection can help you maintain your spark even outside of the bedroom.

If you are struggling to get sex and intimacy back in your relationship after having a baby and would like some more support, please use the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation with me and get you started on your journey to more connection and pleasure!  

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