You and your partner sit on the couch together but are both on your phones.
When you want to talk about something important with your partner, you feel shut down when they are only giving you part of their attention and when are you done talking, there is no response.
Though you enjoy some wind down time at the end of the day, you yearn for more connection than just watching a show and cuddling in bed.
How Do Screens Impact Intimacy in a Relationship
It’s no secret that screens whether it is our phone, tablet, iPad, T.V., etc. have negative effects on our mental health and sleep.
Screens have become a big topic to look at for the coming generations and what positives and negatives we now have from our world be ruled by screens.
One aspect to look at with screens is how they affect our ability and expectation to be intimate and connected to the people we love.
Screens interrupt our ability to connect to each other in meaningful ways.
When you are in a room with your partner but you are both working on separate things or looking at separate screens, there is a false sense of closeness that does not actually equate to connection.
We have gotten so used to phones being glued to our hands even when attempting to connect with our partner.
Checking social media, texting, answering emails, googling a random question that popped into your mind, checking the score of the game, checking the weather, looking at your calendar, making a grocery list, and taking a video of you doing cheers to make a boomerang are all examples of ways we are disconnecting from reality and letting our attention be diverted from the people in front of us.
The Still Face Experiment
In 1975, Dr. Edward Tronick conducted research on child development and reported on the “Still Face Experiment.”
The experiment found that when a caregiver, in this case a mother, is engaged with a baby by smiling, following the gaze and point of the babies finger, and overall giving the baby attention and feedback, the baby is happy and content.
However, when the caregiver disengages and is no longer responsive to the baby by turning away or looking down, the baby becomes distressed and dysregulated. The baby continues to amplify their behavior in desperate attempts to get the caregivers attention and if left too long in this state, the baby becomes withdrawn and hopeless. This hopelessness can lead to insecure attachment, feeling as though the caregiver is no longer reliably emotionally safe.
This experiment lends itself to how kids and partners feel when we as the caregiver or partner are distracted by screens.
When you are sitting with your child and pull out your phone to scroll social media for a few minutes, it is the same to them as if you were disengaging and not responding to their bids for your attention.
When you are on your phone and only half listening to your partner as they tell you something about their day, your partner is going to be less likely to open up and be vulnerable in the future. Your partner will feel as though what they have to say does not matter as much to you and you are not providing a safe emotional space for them to express their thoughts and feelings.
They may wonder if they are enough or if you are truly committed and there for them.
This disconnection often leads to less sexual experiences or less connective sexual experiences in relationships as well.
Changing Expectations
Recently, I attended a training where Esther Perel posed the idea of artificial intimacy and how much of our intimacy is either being blocked by screens or is being searched for on the internet through social media, dating apps, and even telehealth. This change in iteration with others is creating lower expectations for what intimacy should be with other human beings.
In your relationship, you may be less willing to speak up and ask your partner to put their phone down so you both can have a more intimate conversation due to the fact that this has become the norm.
You may be less likely to go out with friends and have real life interactions with people when you can Facetime someone from your living room or chat with a friend while playing a video game.
Our interactions with people are becoming more digital and our expectations for intimacy may be changing.
However, the feeling of loneliness has never been so high and the need for connection we all innately seek is not being met.
What Can We Do
Technology and screens are not going away and we all have to become more intentional on what we want our relationship to screens to be.
Creating time away from our screens is not only important for our individual health, but also for our relational health as well.
Make space and time to set your phones down away from your immediate space, so you are not tempted to check it, and have a real face to face conversation with your partner.
If you want to watch a show or a movie together, is there a way to make it interactive? Maybe you pause the movie and talk about questions or theories you have in the moment. Maybe you wait until the end and then discuss the things you liked or disliked and how it made you feel.
If you have kids, create a family boundary with screens, where you include your kids in the process, and decide on a time perhaps every day where you all put phones and screens away and spend time together reading, playing a game, or getting outside.
Be kind to yourself and know that this is a cultural struggle, not an individual flaw. The point is that we all crave genuine human connection and making intentional time for it away from screens will pay off tenfold.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship and have experienced disconnection due to screens being indulged more than intimate conversations and experiences, please click the button below and schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation, and I would be happy to help you find your way back to authentic connection and intimacy.