Moms Have Abortions Too
Posted: June 16, 2023
Normally, my blogs discuss topics that typically come up in my work with my clients, but this blog will be a bit different. This is a personal story that I hope shows the complexity of the topic of abortion and helps many other women and couples know that you are not alone! My practice is a safe space to talk about these experiences and I hope to create more spaces for these stories in the near future.
I also want to acknowledge that I know with the state of our country, living in a state with relatively easy abortion access is an extreme privilege and how very lucky I am to have been able to have hardly any barriers to accessing abortion medication and medical care. This should not be the case and I hope that sharing my story and creating space for others continues to bring awareness and fight for equal access.
In January 2023, my husband and I found out we were pregnant again only 9 almost 10 months postpartum. We had been using a new form of non-hormonal birth control that I was prescribed by my midwife after the birth of our son. However, we ended up falling into the category of people that it does not work for and became pregnant.
We found out we were pregnant on a weekend we had already planned a weekend getaway at a nearby hotel. We were in desperate need of some sleep and time together and were leaving our son at home with his grandma for a few days. Because of this, I decided to wait to take the pregnancy test until we were away from home and could process the results if they were in fact positive. I really did not think I was pregnant but I had some mysterious bleeding during the time in between periods and I just wanted to make sure.
When we got to the hotel and settled into our room, the first thing I did was take the test to get it out of the way. Standing in the bathroom, staring at the words ‘pregnant’ sent me into shock. “How could we be pregnant again?” I thought. My husband came in and actually fell on the floor in disbelief himself. After my initial shock, my next gut reaction was, “I am not ready!”
We sat on the bed for an hour or so talking about how this could have happened and what we were going to do. I started to break down and cry because deep down I knew that I was not ready and did not want to be pregnant right now. If I did not want to keep this baby, I knew what that meant, and though I have always been pro-choice, I never thought that I would be the one to get an abortion.
We spent the rest of what was supposed to be a relaxing and fun weekend agonizing over this news and really trying to talk through both scenarios. There were moments where I wanted to keep the baby because it was again life that my husband and I had created together in a moment of sharing our love for each other. We had always thought we wanted two kids, though with our son, we had the mentality of let us have one first and then see if we want another. I knew deep down that I did want another baby, but just not right now! Not yet!
My pregnancy with my son was nowhere near the worst it could be but due to bad acid reflux, my auto immune disease, and a lot of pelvic and ligament pain, I did feel like the care of myself during pregnancy was really hard and I had to put a lot of me on the back burner for the good of my baby.
Postpartum was also putting myself on the back-burner times a million. Our breastfeeding journey was really hard and stressful due to his slow weight gain and it was not until I stopped pumping at 6 months that I finally started to feel like I could start putting time and energy into me again. Finally at 9 months postpartum, I was just starting to find some normalcy, some solid footing in being a mom, business owner, and wife, and trying to find time again for exercise, more consistent sleep, and time with my husband. Having another pregnancy and baby just felt like a mountain I was not ready to climb again yet.
On Monday, I called my midwife to see if she could prescribe medical abortion medication and walk me through the process. I also made an appointment at planned parenthood just in case as well. My midwife informed me that she does not handle abortions and her receptionist gave me some bogus statistic about how many women who take these medications end up in the hospital. I knew that was not accurate and I felt instant shame when I was turned away to other clinics in the area. I already knew I could go to planned parenthood, but I really just wanted a familiar face and support through this really hard decision.
Through the next week and a half before my appointment at planned parenthood, I was an absolute reck and ball of anxiety. I could barely focus on anything else and was endlessly researching both abortion information as well as videos on what having 2 under 2 would be like and how other people survived. I would osculate back and forth between there is no way I could have this baby to maybe we can figure it out. Every time I would think we could figure it out though, my mind would then go to all the reasons I knew I was not ready.
My body was not ready yet. I was still working through my stress from pregnancy and postpartum and trying to feel stronger and healthier in my body again.
Emotionally, I was not ready for this again. I was still so in love with being a mom to my son and I was not ready to add another baby into that equation yet. I also felt guilt that I would be cutting the time our son had one on one with us short and that he would eventually resent us for that.
Mentally, I could not wrap my mind around going through pregnancy and postpartum again. Every time I watched videos of 2 under 2, I would just cringe knowing that the amount of energy needed for a newborn and young toddler was more than I felt like I had in me. Because of that, I also felt like if we just decided to push through and have the baby, I would not be as present for my toddler going through all his big emotions as I would want to be and I would not be able to enjoy the new baby as much as I would want to either. I was also afraid that the stress of 2 under 2 and just trying to push through would put me at increased risk for postpartum depression.
Relationship wise, my husband and I were just starting to find our way back to each other and carve out intentional time for us to spend together. Intimacy and sex was just starting to get more comfortable and fun again. It had been over a year since I felt like I could access my sexuality in the way I used to before pregnancy and enjoy the pleasure I knew I could. Going forward with another pregnancy would probably mean putting our relationship on hold again or at least putting another wrench in it that I was not sure we could handle at the time.
Owning my own business, it was hard to plan for my first maternity leave and financially things still had not bounced back from where I was before going on maternity leave the first time. I knew that many people had babies with way less than we were blessed to have, but I did not want to be constantly worrying about money and how much time I could take off with the second one as well. I wanted to feel more financially stable than we did with our son going into baby number 2, not less.
All these reasons for termination kept swirling around in my head, but I still had a part of me that did not want to let go of this life inside me. I felt that if I did have an abortion, I would be a horrible human and mom for doing that. I also felt guilty that I had gotten pregnant so easily and by accident when so many people struggle with fertility and would kill for a baby. It felt selfish to say goodbye to a baby that I know so many others struggle to conceive.
The anxiety around this decision was almost debilitating. I was taking my anxiety supplements like crazy and just crying on my mat every morning when I tried to calm myself by doing some yoga.
I finally had a session with my own therapist and discussed everything I was thinking and feeling. She reflected to me that it sounded like I knew what I wanted to do but that the part of me wanting to hold on was scared of actually having to go through the process of a termination. Though it was such a simple reflection, it was so helpful. It helped me see that I did really know I was not ready for this baby and that a termination was what was right for me and for my family at the time. I was just also really scared of having to let go and go through this process. For me though, the fear was not enough of a reason for me to keep the baby up against all the other reasons I had for the termination.
My husband and I had many conversations and he was very supportive of me honoring what I needed and what I wanted for me and my body. He also did not feel ready for another baby but I think was more willing to just figure it out if I had been on board. We both did not want to say goodbye to the possibility of this life but we knew it was what was best for us.
In my preparation for my home medical abortion, I had found some rituals around how to make this a spiritual process. Both my husband and I wrote letters to baby to say goodbye and explain why we had made this decision. I had decided that the spirit of our baby could leave and come back to us again when we were ready for baby number 2. I also decided to believe that their spirit would be lead to the heavens by a guardian of birth and babies and given to my grandma, who passed when as 14, and my husband’s great grandmother, who had passed just a few months before our son was born. I knew that these women would love and care for our baby until we were ready for them to come back to us.
I finally had my appointment at planned parenthood, which was surreal and not quite as caring as I had hopped for. I will note that this should not be applied to all of planned parenthood. The specific location I went to and the particular people that cared for me, just did not meet my expectations for care. I left the clinic that day armed with the medication I needed though, and a plan for what was to happen next.
I had planned for the end of the termination to take place on a Sunday so my husband would be home to support me and there was childcare for our son. I had cried intensely the day before when I took the first pill to start the process. When the time came to take the second set of pills, my husband was right by my side and ended up making me a delicious meal to eat when it was all said and done. It was a very long and emotional process that took most of the day.
Afterwards, though I felt sad and knew I would grieve this child probably for the rest of my life even though I was choosing to believe we would meet them again when we were ready, I did feel relief. I felt grateful to have had the ability to choose what was right for me and to know that I no longer had to be riddled with anxiety about how to make this decision or how to be a mom to 2 kids under 2. I was able to now move forward, heal, and focus on the things I knew I needed to in order to be ready for another baby.
Since the termination, I think of this baby often. I have gone from being hyper obsessed with figuring out when we will have another baby and trying to control this plan to trying to let that go and know that it is ok to be content with the present. When we are ready for baby number 2 we will know and its ok for baby number 2 to be a little open ended at this point. I have also wavered more on whether I even want a second child, especially as our son grows more into toddlerhood every day. I have come to realize though that a lot of the wavering is out of fear of just adding another child to our lives in general. Just as I had to go with my gut about the abortion, I do know deep down I do want another child sitting at our table when we are in our 50s or 60s. I know I will probably regret not going for a second.
So for now, I am trying to be content and relish the time and special moments we have with our son. I also want to enjoy the freedoms we currently have being parents to only one child. Parenthood is a lot but once you are there, you find a groove and I know adding another child will be a whole new challenge we will have to navigate.
I have decided that this year is my year and I am putting what I need for myself more in the forefront. I am working hard in my business to achieve the career goals I have for myself as well as putting as much time and effort into my mental, emotional, and physical health as I can. I am surrounding myself with support and trying to build community in the areas I have been craving. Overall, I want to fill my cup as full as I need it to be in order to feel ready for another child in the next few years.
This period of life I am in now where I am making decisions on how many more lives I personally will be bringing into this world is wild! There is so much weight that comes with these decisions and it is a lot to know you are responsible for. As a child of divorce and a therapist that holds space for a lot of childhood trauma, I take parenthood extremely seriously and bringing a child into the world means so much. There is so much that goes into pregnancy and postpartum and how you are able to care for yourself and show up as a parent so you can give the best care possible to your child. My goal is to have happy, healthy, successful children who always feel like they have parents that believe in them and are there for them in all the ways that matter. Being able to balance care for myself along with the care of my children was a really important factor for me. These decisions are not made lightly, and anyone who says they are has never really been in this situation or considered the enormity of what it takes to make these decisions.
For all of those of you out there that can relate to this story and are struggling with some of these same decisions, I hear you, I see you, and I am here to hold space for you in my deep understanding of what you are going through. Even as a mom, this was the right decision for me and I want to be here to support those that are thinking this may be the best decision for them as well.