Men, How to Get Your Partner to Have Sex With You
Posted: July 7, 2023
Now that I have your attention, I know you are probably wondering what magical things I am going to tell you that will get your partner to have sex with you.
Well, I do have some magical knowledge, but it may not be exactly what you are expecting.
Note that these tips are more geared to heterosexual couples but they can apply to other types of sexual relationships as well.
I know you are probably thinking what is she talking about? How is this going to help me get laid? Hear me out.
If you have a female partner, all her life she has been taught to be an emotional being. She has been taught to care for others emotions and to express her own emotions to some degree. This is how your female partner has been taught to seek intimacy and to feel intimacy.
Unfortunately, you as a man have not been taught this. Most men in some shape or form have gotten the message that emotions are off limits to you because that is a sign of weakness and that is not what we in our society value in men and masculinity in our culture. Because of this narrative, the way that you have been taught to connect to a person and find intimacy is through sex or physical touch. You are praised for having sexual experiences with many different partners and this is seen as a natural part of your sexual exploration journey.
Your female partner however was taught the opposite. She has been taught to be afraid of sex, her body, and pleasure and was probably not given the space and room to explore those things for herself. This often makes having physical intimacy difficult before the safety and vulnerability of emotional intimacy is received.
Emotional connection is not actually a female trait by nature. Emotions are human! So work on empathy for yourself. Watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZBTYViDPlQ
Know that listening and empathizing IS doing something when your partner has something they need to discuss but do not want you to fix. Being able to connect on an emotional level with your partner, express your own emotions, and cope with your own emotions so your partner does not have to help you through that are all ways that you can start to take the emotional burden of the relationship off her shoulders and show her that she actually has a partner she can connect with in this way.
Now I know these are BIG asks. It is not your fault that society has kept you from being able to be a fully emotional human being. So do the work to find the resources that will help you learn how to become in touch with your emotions, learn to regulate your emotions, and learn to empathize. You could get a therapist for yourself to talk about these things with. You can read books and listen to podcasts. Do the work on your own that is going to benefit your relationship and eventually help you get laid.
I know this also sounds enormous and vague. However, working on what masculinity means to you and what is toxic masculinity, can be helpful to how you may approach your partner, especially around sex.
Men and women are historically taught that men’s needs and desires are all that matters when it comes to sexual experiences. Though many men today are working to change that thought pattern, some men still operate with a sense of entitlement or selfishness when it comes to sex. Some men may not be outright downplaying or ignoring the pleasure of their partner, but when their partner asks them to do something out of the normal realm of how the couple has previously explored or initiated sexual experiences, these men express that they do not want to do that because it is not what they feel comfortable with or may feel like these requests are too much work. Learn how you typically initiate and experience sex and work to have conversations with your partner about if those things are turn ons for your partner or if they may actually be turn offs and they have been afraid to communicate that to you. If they are turn offs, actively work to change those behaviors.
Also, when it comes to the division of labor in the household and how engaged men are in taking care of bills, cleaning, shopping, cooking, yard work, laundry, appointment making, researching things to buy for the home, being an involved and caring parent, etc., historically men have left all or almost all of these tasks to women. I believe our generation is beginning to try to change these dynamics, but it is still something that most couples I work with struggle to find a good balance in. Learning for yourself what your expectations are of your duties in the household versus your partner’s expectations can be helpful in understanding if your partner feels there is imbalance in who does what at home. Your partner may feel more valued, respected, and that they just have more time and space for sex if there was more equity in taking care of the children and tasks of the household.
One of my favorite podcasts called “Man Enough” is a great place to start with this topic. This is a podcast all about undefining masculinity and understanding what it means to be a man today. The book “For the Love of Men” by Elizabeth Plank is also great. There is also a documentary I recommend called “The Mask You Live In.” You do have to pay money from their website to rent or buy that one. https://therepproject.org/how-to-watch-the-film-the-mask-you-live-in/
As mentioned above, society is not kind to anyone when it comes to sex and sexuality, but especially women. Women are cut out of the equation and not given space or time to really understand their own sexuality apart from what their partner will want and need. This creates a dynamic of men being the gatekeepers of sex and eventually feeling dissatisfied that their partners do not initiate and only want to please them. Most men I work with want to give their partners pleasure, but do not know how to get their partners to know what they want and communicate that to them.
Thus, your job is to know that part of the work will be on her to take that time to explore her own sexuality and work on the negative narratives society has given around sex and her being a sexual being.
As the male partner, you can support your partner by telling her all of the things I have laid out for you. You can let her know that it is normal for her to not understand her sexuality. It is normal for her to have a hard time connecting to herself and to you in that way because chances are she was told that being sexual and exploring her sexuality was bad. Validate her struggle instead of pressuring her to be like you.
It is important to know that the goal is not for her to come up to your level. Meaning, when working with couples where one person has low desire and the other has higher desire, the goal is not to get the partner with low desire to then match the person with higher desire. The goal is to understand how the partner with low desire experiences desire and how they are able to cultivate desire. It is about creating new pathways for both of you to access sex and pleasure instead of getting one person to be ok with the old pathways you were using that obviously are not working.
I also recommend you BOTH engaging in resources together that can help explain pleasure, sex, and desire from a human and female perspective and discussing what you learn together. Some good resources to start with are the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, the “Come As You Are” podcast series, and this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqX38J9ya1I
Yes, I am marketing my services to you, and I do think that seeing a sex therapist is extremely beneficial to helping couples navigate this process.
Working on the other three tips first though will be so helpful in our journey together so that when we begin our work together, we can focus less on the individual work you and your partner will need to do on your own and focus more on comfortable and effective communication around sex, creating new pathways to desire with each other, and experiencing new experiences of pleasure.
If you are someone who is struggling in your relationship around sex and intimacy due to lack of desire, please click the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation and I would love to help you find pleasure, satisfaction, and connection again.