You have grown up in culture that has told you that sex is bad and not something you should concern yourself with.
Maybe you have even been told that bad things will happen to you if you were to explore your sexuality.
You are now finding that this messaging is getting in the way of you being able to feel desire and experience sex with a partner in the way that you want.
You may have experienced pain during sex or have just never had a sexual experience that felt satisfying.
You may be wondering, is sex for me?
How Can Your Physical Experience of Sex be Affected by Your Mental Narrative About Sex
The sex educator and researcher, Emily Nagoski, puts it very plainly, “You can’t have sex without a brain.”
Your brain is essential to how you experience sex and desire.
If you have a narrative that sex is icky, gross, messy, embarrassing, and you are no good at it, it is probably going to be hard for you to have desire for sex and fully embrace the experience of sex and pleasure.
If you have had a negative experience with sex where you felt pressured or experienced pain, there may be anxiety surrounding sex for you and the anticipation of those things happening again creates a barrier to you desiring sex and being able to enjoy the sexual experiences you have.
If you have experienced trauma around sex and your body is living in a state of fight, flight, or freeze when you are triggered in certain sexual situations, your body is not going to feel safe enough to relax and enjoy the experience. This lack of safety can exacerbate negative experiences and result in tension, anxiety, guilt, shame, and sometimes re-traumatizing yourself.
Our brain and our body work together to create pleasurable and satisfying sexual experiences.
Putting it All Together
Now that you know more about the brain and body connection, it’s important to look at all the factors at play telling you that sex is not for you.
There is always an outside influence. Whether it is society, culture, family, peers, religion, politics, etc., there is usually some outside influence that either currently has an opinion or maybe previously had an opinion that has stuck with you and is continuing to influence how you think and feel.
There can be negative and even traumatic sexual experiences that you have had previously that could be creating anxiety, stress, guilt, and shame around sex.
You could be struggling with a new season of life such as stress with a job or school, becoming a parent, moving, a death in the family, etc. that has taken precedent and created lower desire for you in your relationship.
You could be struggling with the dynamics of your relationship and sex may not be something you want with your partner due to the negative feelings you are currently having towards them.
Because of the messages you received around sex growing up, maybe sex has always been something you thought was for someone else and have never really explored the idea of what if sex is for me and if it is…what would that look and feel like?
Sex IS for You
The answer to the question is sex for me is, YES!! Sex is for you as long as you want it to be for you.
It is ok for you to not want sex or for that to not be a priority. Asexuality is an identity that is available if you feel like that fits your experience.
Most people come to me because their partner wants sex and they do not and so there is friction in the relationship because of that.
My goal is to not make you have sex you do not want to have. My goal is to see whether you actually want to work towards having sex that is pleasurable and satisfying for YOU and you alone.
Sex is for you if you want it to be for you and there are so many ways we can work on the barriers keeping you from having the sex you want to have.
If you are struggling with whether or not sex is for you, first ask yourself the question…do I want it to be?
If the answer is yes, I am here to help!
If you are someone struggling to figure out if sex is for you, please click the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation, and I would be happy to help you decide if you want it to be and eventually get you to experiencing the pleasurable and satisfying sex you desire.
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