You have been dating someone for a period of time and wondering if this is a good relationship? Can it last?
You know you feel strongly about this person and are hoping this relationship can keep moving in the right direction.
However, your relationships have not worked out in the past and you are wondering how do I know if this relationship is the right relationship for me and my partner?
Pitfalls You May Fall Into
Many people fall into traps when it comes to evaluating a relationship.
Some people may want a relationship for the prestige this person brings to their life. You may be so concerned with what other people think about your partner and your relationship, that you have not stopped to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.
Others like the chaos that their partner introduces and although the relationship is volatile, it is more fun than someone who is calm, honest, and boundaried.
Perhaps it feels exciting or safer to you when someone is not available and you want to be with this person because of the chase or because you know that they really do not want to commit in the end.
Maybe you are holding onto your partner for dear life because you do not want to be alone or rejected but know deep down you are dissatisfied with many aspects of the relationship.
There are many different reasons for why you may choose to stay in a relationship or think that it is one that will last.
Here are some ways to evaluate for yourself if this relationship is in fact a relationship that is worth committing to.
Questions to Ask Yourself
How do I feel when I am with my partner?
Does your partner make you feel safe, calm, loved, and understood? Do you feel at ease? Is it easy to be your full self? Does your body feel calm and relaxed when you are with and touched by your partner? How you feel is an important aspect of a relationship. Feeling calm, grounded, and comfortable with your partner is a sign that you are building a secure bound or attachment to each other.
How well can we communicate?
Can you communicate without yelling, screaming, calling each other names, throwing things, or storming out of the room? Can you resolve conflict fairly easily or do you have days or weeks where you do not talk after conflict? Can you set and hold boundaries with each other and have them be respected? Every couple has to work on communication to some degree. However, maintaining a baseline of love and respect for each other as well as having skills in empathy to hear and understand each other’s perspectives is critical for working through conflict situations.
Do we have similar values and beliefs?
Do you agree on how you want to live your life together and possibly raise a family? Do you have similar views on work/life balance, where you would want to live, how much and when you want to travel, how many kids you want or none at all, what roles you each will play in your relationship and household, the expectations on the division of labor you each will take on, how much money you hope to make or work towards, what lifestyle you want to have, politics, spirituality, and religion? This is not an exhausted list but you can see there are a lot of topics to cover when it comes to values and belief systems. Making sure you are on the same page for how you want to structure your life and how you will eventually make decisions based on your shared goals is important to a healthy relationship.
Is there attraction between us?
Does each partner feel desired by the other person? Do you like the sex and intimacy you are having in this relationship? Do you feel comfortable to voice what feels good, what does not, and any desires for change? Does the sex you are having make you feel loved and cared for? Is there care and attention given to both partner’s pleasure? Many couples can have instant attraction, but once the honeymoon period wears off, sex is either the only thing holding them together or it may dwindle over time. There are going to be seasons of life where sex and intimacy are not always easy to access. Having a solid foundation of love, respect, honesty, safety, desire, and pleasure in the relationship from the beginning can help you both weather the storm and learn to adapt to the times where sex and intimacy are harder to cultivate.
If you are someone struggling to know whether or not your relationship has what it takes or are deciding whether or not to commit to someone for the long hall, please click on the button below and schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation. I would be happy to work with you and your partner on how to create a relationship you both want and deserve.
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