Your partner comes up to you after you have had a long day at work and maybe an evening where you also took take care of the kids, made dinner, cleaned up, and put them to bed. They start to grope you in those usual places and make it known that sex is on the brain. You recoil a bit and say, “I’m sorry, but not tonight! I am so tired!” You feel bad because you do not want to reject your partner and know that it has been awhile since you had sex, but you are just so tired and all you want is some space for yourself and to go to bed.
We have all experienced an initiation attempt that felt less than desirable. Yet most of us just press on without addressing how we want or need initiation to look in order for us to feel more invited into that space with our partner and to be in a better head space for initiation.
Many of my clients see initiation as one of the biggest hurdles to jump when trying to work on sex and intimacy in their relationship.
Maybe it has been a long while since you have had sex and there is a lot of awkwardness and anxiety that has crept in, making the thought of what initiation could look like to be scary and confusing.
Maybe you are the only partner in your relationship that typically initiates due to you being the partner that has a lower sex drive and your partner is trying to be respectful and put the ball in your court.
Maybe your partner is the only one to initiate because you feel like initiation has to be perfect and look a certain way. However, you believe this type of initiation is not something that falls in your wheelhouse of skills.
There are many reasons for why initiation can cause anxiety and feel like a mountain to climb in order to get to a place where you are in the right headspace to receive it and to move forward with sexual intimacy.
Tips on How to Approach Initiation
Think about the context you need to set the mood for initiation.
This is a really important first step. Begin to think about what are the things that turn you on as well as the things that turn you off. Do you like to be wined and dined first before being approached for sex? Do you like some alone time to gather yourself after a long day and do some mindful movement or something relaxing like a shower or a bath before being approached for sex? Do you need some emotional intimacy with your partner by having a 10-15 minute conversation about your day first before being approached for sex? Do you want all of the above? Do you need your partner to take over some of the tasks in the evening or on the weekends so you have space to unwind and energy for sex? These are just some examples. Find the things that make you feel desire towards your partner and allow you to get into a headspace that is open to sexual exploration with your partner.
Think about how you specifically want initiation to happen to you.
Do you want your partner to simply say, “Hey, do you want to have sex tonight?” in order to give you a clear understanding of what they want and set clear expectations? Do you want your partner to be more aggressive by pushing you against a wall or lifting you on the counter and beginning to make out passionately? Do you want to be led to the bedroom with a room full of candles, romantic music, and massage oil waiting to give you a sensual massage? Do you want to dance and laugh together and have some time for romance before touching ensues? Do you want initiation for sex in the morning, afternoon, or night time or maybe just on the weekends when there is less pressure to be somewhere at a specific time? Be specific with your partner about what you want initiation to look like in order to set them up for success and lesson the chance of you turning them down.
Have the same conversations with your partner about how they want to set the context and have initiation done for them.
Just as these are important questions for you to think about, these are also important questions for your partner as well. You both could take some time to think about these things for yourself and then spend some time together comparing your wants and needs and enjoying creating the fantasy around what initiation could look like for both of you.
Create more time and space for initiation of sex.
Many of us are living extremely busy lives and time and energy for sex can be hard to come by. Many of my clients want sex to be easy and organic but when you leave sex up to chance where you and your partner are both in the mood at the same time, sex rarely happens. If sex being organic is not working, try scheduling some time for intimacy. To make it less of a scheduled meeting, try creating some flirting and build up to it in the days prior. Send some sexy text messages and use fantasy as way to build anticipation and excitement around your planned sexy time.
These are great suggestions to get you started on thinking about initiation in a new way. If you are still struggling with initiation and have more barriers to sex than what I have outlined, please schedule a FREE 30 minute consultation by clicking on the button below and I would be happy to help you get pleasure and satisfaction back into your relationship and sex.
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