You have been told your whole life that men are the keepers of intimacy and pleasure and that women’s sexuality and pleasure is for their partner, not themselves.
Maybe you know that this is societal bullshit, but this story has still had a big effect on how you are able to experience your sexuality or show up sexually with your partner.
As someone who is a feminist and minored in gender and sexuality studies, shedding light on societal crap that we are all fed throughout our lives is an important aspect of what I try to do in my work with my clients, especially heterosexual couples.
Whether it is from our parents, school, peers, television, movies, social media, porn, etc., we are all taught the same social norms that men and women are typically supposed to follow and the roles we are supposed to play. Some of us take this to heart and others of us find our way to rebellion, but even if we cognitively know these things are bullshit, they still seem to linger in how we act.
What Does This Typically Look Like in Heterosexual Relationship?
Many of the couples I see struggle with this societal norm in some shape or form.
Women
Many women struggle with low desire/libido or inability to orgasm and do not understand why this is. There are many ways this story of my body, pleasure, and sexuality is not for me, but instead for my partner, creates a situation where women begin to suppress their desire or de-prioritize pleasure and sex.
Many of my clients struggle with body image issues, afraid of what their partner will think of them. Others struggle with the idea of initiation and who they have to be during sex. There is this idea of having to be one particular thing and be perfect or they will not be found attractive or will be seen as failing. Many women also struggle to orgasm regularly, at all, or to venture to have more than one orgasm. Women are not taught about their own sexual anatomy, given space to learn and explore their sexuality in a healthy way, and are only shown what sexuality is typical for men. So why should women experience anything outside of that norm, right? Wrong!
Many women feel ashamed of their sexuality and have a hard time communicating to their partners what they need and want due to usually not knowing themselves or not wanting to take the spotlight away from their partners.
Men
Though men are the dominate group in this situation and have power and privilege when it comes to how they are perceived as sexual beings, men also are put at a disadvantage because of this idea that men should know how to please their partner.
Many of the men in the couples I see struggle with the question of, “Why can’t I figure out how to please my partner so that she enjoys sex?” Men have been told for so long that it is their job to figure out their partners needs and desires and this creates a lot of pressure for them to fulfill these needs. When their partner is feeling a lack of desire for all the reasons mentioned above, many men then feel it is their fault and they are not doing enough. Many male partners may develop a fear of rejection after being told no over and over again despite their efforts.
Anxiety around sex can lead to men experiencing sexual dysfunction such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.
Other men may just have confusion around why their partners do not want to have sex and then express that they are not having enough sex in their relationship without really understanding societies hand in suppressing their partner’s sexuality and making it hard for her to know what she wants and needs. Once their partners begin the process of understanding their own sexuality and voicing what they want, these partners may also find it hard to then do things that are a little out of their initial comfort zone because sex has always been pursued through their pleasure lens.
Another common issue I see for men is their lack of being able to connect on an emotional level with their partners due to most boys and men in society being told to suppress emotions and not open up or be vulnerable. This leads men to only want or seek closeness and intimacy through physical and sexual touch. This constant seeking of physical touch over emotional connection can then create anxiety and stress around sex and desire when their female partners have been told the exact opposite their whole lives. Women are told to connect emotionally and express their emotions but that sex is either bad or only something they do to please their partner. This is a typical reason for why couples experience mismatched desire.
How Does This Effect the LGBTQIA+ Community?
Though there is more fluidity and push back against these norms in the LGBTQIA+ community, my experience with clients is it can still be just as hard or even harder to wade through the societal bullshit and find the gender expression or roles that are suited for them.
Being outside of the dominate norm has an extra layer of coming out and coming to terms with not being the story that everyone is told. This can be freeing or feel as if there is no story for what their sex life is supposed to or could look like. It can feel isolating.
Depending on the circumstances these stories can still influence how different members of this community approach relationships and sex and continue to feel disempowering and shameful when these stories do more harm than good.
What Do We Do?
These norms that we have all be inundated with are hard to dismantle, however the more we understand and are aware of these stories, the less power they have.
The first step to making change is to have the awareness of the power these stories or beliefs have on how we approach intimacy and sex in our relationship. Once we are aware of them and dig deeper into how they are specifically dictating our actions and thought patterns, we can start to re-wright that story and decide what we want to keep and what we want to let go.
If you are struggling with societal stories that are impacting your ability to experience sex and pleasure in the way that you would like, please schedule a FREE 30 minute consultation by clicking on the button below and I would be happy to help get pleasure and satisfaction back into your sex and relationship.
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