You and your partner are wanting to have more sex.
The pressure and anxiety are mounting around sex and you both know that it has been a long time since you have been intimate.
You both are wondering, how much sex is enough sex? When do we need to worry about our relationship if we are not having a certain amount of sex?
I am here to help you answer those exact questions.
Quality Over Quantity
The truth is, there is NO amount of sex that is the perfect amount of sex. Every couple is different and every couple is also going to go through different seasons in their relationship where sex is more accessible than others.
The manta I want you to start chanting in your mind and heart is quality over quantity.
The most important thing about the sex in your relationship is that it is the sex you want to be having.
Is the sex that you are having connecting, pleasurable, flexible, able to be communicated around, and keeps you wanting more even if it will be awhile until that can happen again?
If you are answering yes to all of those…CONGRADULATIONS!!! You are having enough sex!
If the answer is no…then we want to start focusing on what kind of sex are you having instead of focusing on the amount of sex you are having.
You can have sex multiple times a day, but if it is not the sex you want to be having, then you are still going to feel dissatisfied.
Connection is Key
Most of the couples I work with have one partner that has a higher sex drive and is asking for more sex in the relationship. The other partner tends to have a lower sex drive and is probably feeling stressed and anxious about the need their partner is asking for that they are not meeting.
When partners who are wanting more sex in the relationship are focusing on how much sex they are needing to have instead of what they want the sex to feel like and what they want to get out of the sex they are having, the other partner tends to just hear that there is a physical need they are not meeting. This leads to feelings of guilt and shame around not having a higher sex drive and frustration around how to fix it.
If you are focusing more on connection and what pleasure you are wanting from the sexual experiences you have together, this can open up a whole new way of viewing sex in the relationship and can begin a dialogue about what both partners want out of the sexual experiences.
Both partners should have equal access to the pleasure they want to have. Part of creating this equality is taking the pressure off of how much sex you are having and instead discussing what does the sex you already having look and feel like. How can you both fully meet each other’s needs in the experiences you have now instead of just increasing the amount of times you are having sex, which may not even be the sex you both want?
Sexual Experiences Can Very
One last thing to note about quality over quantity, is that each sexual experience can and will vary.
Sometimes you only have 20-30 minutes or less and you got to get right down to it.
Other times you may have a longer amount of time and privacy to really take your time and relish in every moment and physical sensation.
There may be times where penetration is not something you want to get into but cuddling naked, giving each other massages, or mutual masturbation may be something you want to engage in to provide that connected physical touch.
The point is, our bodies and our environments change over time and each sexual experience should be a new experience that you and your partner are co-creating together.
Leave the expectations of what each experience ‘should’ be at the door and allow each experience to be its own unique endeavor that you and your partner get to explore and create.
If you and your partner are struggling with quality versus quantity and need some guidance in how to create a better sex life in your relationship, please click on the button bellow to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation, and I would be happy to help you both feel the connection and pleasure you deserve!
Schedule a Free Consultation