How Netflix's TOO HOT TO HANDLE Reflects Dating in Quarantine and the Therapy Experience

Video Summary: Initial Thoughts: I was not sure what to expect when the show looked like a souped-up dating show with young attractive people on a beach that were going to be instructed not to have sex with each other for money As a sex therapist, I did not want there to be any shame involved around sex and sexuality. It is dating in quarantine wrapped up into a reality tv series. Critiques: Not enough representation in my opinion Everyone was hand-picked from Instagram for being heterosexual, young, and had the socially created standards of what ‘attractiveness’ looks like. I would have liked to see more LGBTQIA+ people, more variety in body shapes, and just more different types of people. Shaming of cast for their past behavior – disclaimer: I get it’s a show and that they are trying to make it more black and white of what is good behavior versus bad behavior, however in the therapy world, things are more gray.

• I see all acting hyper masculine or hyper feminine, such as puffing your chest and showing how macho you are, acting ditzy and having to change outfits like 5 times in one day, and then also being seemingly sex crazed…are all defense mechanisms (as we learned) to shield anyone from feeling vulnerable and being able to relate in a genuine way with the other people.
• So I think some of the comments Lana made to the cast were a little unnecessary for their growth and I would have liked to have seen that behavior be met with kindness and compassion.

Observations/Wonderings: Lana – ironically we have now learned Lana is just Anal spelled backwards, which is a little hilarious that she was the queen of keeping the no sex policy on lockdown when her name is a type of sex I’m interested to know how the cast reacted to her perhaps differently than if there were to have been a host, like Chris Harrison from the bachelor/bachelorette world. Lana is an interesting use of technology to guide the people through the process. I wonder why they decided to pick to use Lana instead of a host. Positives: The Workshops The workshops are really the heart of this show. The workshops help create the most progress for the cast and aid in the shedding of many of the societal norms, pressures, and trauma each cast member has gone through in their lives. These are very real workshops that could be great additions to therapy or something you can do in therapy. All of these workshops are right up my alley as a sex and relationship therapist. There were four different workshops:

• The Shibari bondage workshop
• The having to guess what the person if feeling workshop
• The women/men empowerment workshops
• The writing hurtful words on each other’s body’s to heal and connect workshop

Learning about trust and communication through Shibari bondage, learning about emotional attunement and empathy through body language, learning about who you are as a man or a woman outside of the societal norms and narratives to feel connected to yourself and to your fellow tribe or community around you, and learning how to move through traumatic events and words to heal and connect more deeply with others is so important to personal growth. I loved how this show incorporated all of these workshops and how it taught the cast to be comfortable in being themselves. This then allowed them to open up and be more vulnerable with someone they were wanting to date. Sex: I do think it is interesting how they used a reward and punishment system with both sex and money I do think overall though, the show did a good job not shaming sex, but using sex and intimacy as a reward once genuine connections started to form (people may disagree with me… and I also have nothing against a one night hook up as long as people are being compassionate to each other) I think this show taught people how to be compassionate to each other and to themselves One of my Favorite Moments – The bro moment between Sharron and David

• Men in culture have a very hard time relating to each other on an emotional level because of how we teach men to act in our society. For David to uplift Sharron for his personal growth and step back so Sharron could continue building a connection with Rhonda was a really sweet moment that I really enjoyed seeing

Overall: I think this was a really good contemporary dating show that did not go in the traditional trashy direction (it did have some trashy moments… especially in the beginning), but helped to show the cast that there is more to dating and living in your own skin than sex, partying, and hookups. I think it helped the cast learn their own worth as human beings, instead of just been seen for what they look like on the outside. I do think people can grow immensely from watching this show. It can be powerful to see these people go through their own experiences and understand what it looks like to have a healthy relationship based on trust, communication, a genuine connection, and then sex and intimacy.