Your partner asks you to run to the store on your way home from work.
You think to yourself, today was the day I was going to go on a bike ride just for myself and have some me time after work.
You decide though that your partners request is more important than your bike ride and you go to the store instead.
The next day you are in a grumpy mood and your partner is wondering why you are grumpy and being distant from them.
They ask what is wrong and if you want to talk about it.
You keep shrugging them off until finally you snap and say, “I did not want to go to the store yesterday and you made me go so I was not able to go on my bike ride I had planned for myself.”
Your partner takes a deep breath and says, “I hear you are frustrated that you were not able to take your bike ride. I was not aware that you were wanting to take a bike ride during that time. It is not ok to blame me for the decisions that you made and if you continue to do that, I will need to remove myself from the conversation until you have calmed down and want to have the conversation again in a better headspace. Next time, please communicate to me that you have something else planned and I will be happy to either do the chore myself or we can find another time for it to get done. You prioritizing time for you is important and I want to support that.”
You realize that your partner has a point.
You are the only one that can set boundaries for yourself and it was also not ok for you to blame your partner for not prioritizing your own time.
Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries are very important in our lives and yet are one of the hardest things to learn and implement.
Boundaries are how we communicate to people what is ok for us and what is not. Boundaries are limits that tell others what are reasonable, acceptable, and safe ways to interact with you and what you will do if those limits are crossed or not respected.
Anything from how you want to be touched to safeguarding your time are places to implement boundaries.
All relationships need boundaries, but they can be especially tricky in romantic relationships.
For those of us who are people pleasers or have a hard time putting our needs in the forefront, boundaries can be difficult to set and to hold.
Boundaries are also tricky because they can change over time and need to be balanced with some flexibility. You want to have enough boundaries to protect the ‘self’ in your relationships and make sure you are comfortable and safe. However, if your boundaries become too rigid, then you shut people out and keep yourself locked inside.
Boundaries help you define where you end and other’s begin, which allows you to have a closer relationship to someone without dismissing or devaluing your needs.
Different Kinds of Boundaries
There are multiple kinds of boundaries that you may want to set.
Physical boundaries are boundaries that create the safety and space you need for your physical body, personal space, sexual orientation, and privacy. When we do not create and hold physical boundaries, we can feel unsafe, a lack of trust, and even traumatized.
An example of a physical boundary would be stating to your partner that you would like to be asked before you are touched and if they do not ask before they touch you, that you will remove yourself from their touch and take the time you need to feel safe again.
Emotional and intellectual boundaries are boundaries that create safety around who you are, your sense of self, self-worth, and your ability to not take on other’s feelings as your own. When we do not establish healthy emotional and intellectual boundaries, we leave ourselves vulnerable to being severely impacted by other people’s emotions, thoughts, and actions. This can lead to low self-esteem, frustration, anger, hurt, and resentment.
An example of an emotional and intellectual boundary would be telling your partner that It is not ok for them to call you degrading names during an argument and if they continue to do that, you will remove yourself from the conversation and not resume until they initiate it again in a calmer and more rational headspace.
Why Are Boundaries So Hard?
Many of us are raised in families and in cultures that do not help us as young children or even as adults to set healthy boundaries. Many of us are taught from a young age to obey our elders no matter what and often times not listen to our intuition and say or ask for the things we need. This type of ‘Do As I Say” parenting, does not foster children to learn how to set healthy boundaries for themselves and really listen to what they want and need.
We are then put into school and again we are set up in a power dynamic where we have little agency over our needs. As young adults, we starting working in jobs where we are often not seen as humans with feelings and needs, but as a number or an object that needs to have x amount of productivity to make the company x amount of money.
We live in a world that does not promote healthy boundaries.
If you are a women, you are taught even less to have healthy boundaries because we are taught to be a people pleaser and to care about everyone else’s well-being more than own. Historically women have had less power in society and relationships and this often leads to women not prioritizing their own needs. The rest of society and often their partners do not prioritize women’s needs either, because we have all been taught that women’s needs do not matter or they just simply do not have needs at all.
Those of us struggling with setting boundaries often have emotional barriers to boundary setting and holding as well. You may worry about hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing the people we love. You may have fear around what the other person’s reaction will be and would rather just avoid the conflict all together. This fear may also lead to an overall fear of abandonment. You may also think that setting boundaries is selfish and feel guilty for wanting to prioritize you and your needs. All of these feelings are valid and extremely common.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Create awareness for where boundaries are needed in your life.
Make sure your boundary is clear, conscience, and discusses what is ok or not ok for you. You also need to clearly communicate what you will do if that boundary is not respected.
Do not apologize or waver on your boundary. You can expect that there will be a period of time where the other person will need to get used to your boundary and may have a negative reaction at first.
Hold your boundary! This is the hardest part of boundary setting because when someone pushes your boundary or flat out crosses it, it’s hard to hold firm to the consequence we set at the beginning. However, holding true to your boundary allows you to hold onto the power in yourself you are trying to cultivate and shows the other person you are serious and they need to work on their behavior or reaction.
Know that you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings or reaction. Your boundary is needed for you and how they react is up to them.
When you start to feel anxious and guilty about setting a boundary, do it anyway. Setting boundaries takes practice and the more you set them, the more comfortable you and the people on the other side will get.
Work to create a support system of people in your life who willingly respect your boundaries without question and reduce or eliminate people in your life that consistently push or cross your boundaries in order to control or manipulate you.
If you are in an unsafe situation where setting a boundary may be harmful to you, please seek help from a professional or anyone you can possibly reach out to.
If you are struggling with boundaries in your relationship and would like to work on that further, please click on the button below for your FREE 30 minute consultation and I would be happy to help you prioritize you again and have a more trusting, honest, and secure relationship.
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