You and your partner are considering couples therapy and want to know how you can make the most of your journey, time, and money.
Here are some important things to keep in mind when starting your couples therapy journey.
Important Tips for Couples Therapy
Focus on what you personally can do differently in the relationship. Many of the couples I see come in trying to tell me all the things they want their partner to change about themselves instead of looking inward and understanding how they are particularly contributing to the ineffective dynamic they have in the relationship. When you approach this process from a place of self-discovery and learning about how you react to certain situations instead of playing the blame game with your partner, the easier and faster this process becomes.
Couples Therapy is not a quick fix. There is so much variety in the couples I see, however most of the couples do often need a good amount of time to work through the dynamics they have been in. Think about how long you have been in your relationship, creating the dynamics you have. For many couples these dynamics have been created over years. It takes time to learn about both of you as individuals as well as you as a couple and then to begin to untangle the harm that has been done and work towards healing and healthier ways of coping, communicating, and connecting. Knowing that therapy is going to be a commitment of time and money is important before starting this journey.
The 4-part intake process followed by weekly therapy is my recommendation. As I said above, it takes time for me to get to know you and your partner as individuals as well as a couple. Going through the 4 part intake process, where the first 4 sessions are designed to get to know you and your relationship in a holistic way, is important for me to really understand the full picture and provide you feedback on what I am seeing and hearing. Having the first session together to talk about the problem at hand, the second and third session to speak to you each individually about your family of origin backgrounds, sex history, and personal perspective on the relationship, and then the fourth session back together to discuss what I am hearing and seeing, ask any more questions that I have, and come up with a collective plan on how to move forward in what we are working on is crucial to get a full understanding of the dynamics at play and begin the therapy process in a way that sets us up for success. Weekly therapy after this process is my recommendation because it helps couples keep what we talk about in the forefront of their minds and creates the time and space for change to happen. Change tends to be a gradual process and when couples go a couple weeks in between sessions, things that we talked about tend to be forgotten or not considered and progress tends to stall. Weekly therapy is not always possible and if the occasional week is missed, it is not a problem. Consistency is key with couples therapy and I do find the best results have come from couples who are committed to the process and have made the time and space for weekly therapy.
Being prepared and doing homework outside of the therapy sessions is essential. We will typically only be meeting for one hour a week. Though we can get through important topics and healing in this time, with couples therapy an hour can go very fast and sometimes not feel like a lot of time at all. Making the most of the time we have together by being prepared, having completed the homework, or having thought of what would be helpful to work on for yourself in that therapeutic space is beneficial to using our time efficiently as well as helping you achieve healing and progress faster. There are a lot of things to work on outside of our sessions, especially if we are working on sexual issues. Not doing the homework assigned prolongs progress and can create a feeling of therapy being stagnant when we cannot move much beyond processing where you are at until you have done the homework to move beyond that point.
Be patient with yourself and know that things may get harder before they get better. The dynamics we are working on in couples therapy are often rooted in many of the stories and hurt we carry from childhood. Know that this work is incredibly rewarding and it can also be scary and taxing. Some of the clients I have worked with have significant trauma backgrounds and it takes time to feel comfortable in this process. Opening up and being honest and vulnerable with your partner and with yourself when that has not always been the case, can feel really scary. Knowing that this process takes time and that it may feel more uncomfortable for a time while we are calming your defenses and working towards you taking some emotional risks in your relationship, is helpful for you to know that there is hope for change and to stay in the process even when things feel hard and scary.
If you are ready to take the leap and begin working with your partner to create the relationship you have always wanted and know you deserve, please click the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation and I would be happy to help guide and support you in this beautiful process.
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