You and your partner struggle to get on the same page when it comes to how you are feeling or how to make decisions about your life together.
You each have your roles and live through your daily lives without much connection.
There is little time to learn how each of you is doing or discuss how you are both feeling in your relationship.
You both live in your own side of the relationship and often do not know or understand how your partner is doing, what they need, and how they want to connect.
How Check Ins Foster Connection
Having a routine check in with your partner on a daily or weekly basis can provide a safe and intentional space for you both to discuss how you are doing as individuals and how you are doing as a couple.
Check ins give you time and space to emotionally connect with your partner and discuss both positive aspects of your relationship and areas you would like to grow in, hopefully without judgement or defense.
Engaging in routine check ins can help your relationship grow trust, honesty, vulnerability, and connection.
How to Structure a Check In
Decide with your partner how often you would like to do a check in. Are you shooting for daily or weekly?
If you have a weekly check in, you may want to set aside about an hour or so to have more time to discuss your week and what thoughts you each have about the relationship.
If you are wanting to do daily check ins, you may only need about 15-30 minutes of time set aside.
Do not get too stuck on time. It can take as long as you want. These are just suggested amounts of time so you do not feel like you need to set hours aside.
Make sure no one is looking at screens or is distracted during this time, unless you of course are doing this over FaceTime or a phone call.
I also recommend discussing first when and how the check in will take place. What day and time will you normally have your check in so that both of you can expect it and prepare for it.
Also, you will need to figure out if one person will initiate the check in each time and who that will be or if you will simply put it into a calendar and both be responsible and accountable to sitting down together at the designated time.
Make sure all of these details are hammered out beforehand so you both can be set up for success and consistency.
Questions to Ask During Your Check In
Each step should be taken in turns before moving on to the next step.
It is important for the listening partner to really listen and not just zone out while their partner is talking. Paraphrase back to your partner what you heard them say, empathize with your partner, and ask follow up questions to learn more about their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Be as engaged and as present with your partner as you would want them to be with you.
1.) You can each start out by saying a high and low of your day or week. It can really be anything. There is no need for it to be profound. Just find one thing that you felt positively about and one thing that was a bit of a bummer.
2.) Check in on how each of you are doing mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and/or sexually. This is a great chance for you each to open up and be honest and vulnerable with each other. If this is something you are working on, take it slow and maybe only start with one or two aspects for yourself. Be brave!
3.) Then each partner can discuss one thing you are doing well on as a couple and one thing you think you could continue to grow in. You can also change the first one to one thing you appreciate your partner for. Remember to listen without judgement and engage in the conversations about the growth areas with curiosity, compassion, and respect.
There are many other questions you can add to this list, however this is the basic check in structure I tell all my clients to do when they are beginning check ins as a homework assignment.
If you and your partner are struggling to get on the same page with each other and often feel like you do not have time to discuss the important things or the safety to be vulnerable, please click on the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation, and I would be happy to help you work on feeling connected and heard again.