You and your partner get in a fight and you both get to a point where you are going to say things you will regret. So you both decide to take a break to cool down but you think, I do not know how to calm myself down.
Maybe you are someone struggling with being present in your body and staying in the moment during sex and are wondering how do I get myself from being so in my head to actually focusing and enjoying the experience.
Breath
Breath is a great way to ground yourself in the present moment and return your focus back to your body.
You can use breath when you are feeling ‘flooded’ or so emotional that you can no longer access your rational part of the brain where you can make decisions and understand the consequences of your actions.
You can use breath to help you go from being stuck in anxiety loops in your mind, that take you out of the enjoyment of physical touch and sex with your partner, to focusing on the sensations you are feeling in your body and tuning into how all your other senses are experiencing the moment.
How Breath Helps Calm Your Body
When you are in a state of fear and stress, your body engages what it called the sympathetic nervous system. This system tells your body to fight, flee, or freeze in the moment to help save you from danger.
In the scenarios above, your mind may perceive a threat when you are arguing with your partner or engaging in a vulnerable sexual experience. However, this bodily response is hindering you from responding in the way that you want to respond.
Breath allows you to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, also known as the rest and digest nervous system. This system is the off switch to fight, flight, or freeze and allows your body to relax and return to baseline where it can resume normal functioning.
When trying to calm yourself after a heated argument or attempting to become more present in your body during sex, you have to turn off the part of your brain that is telling you, you are unsafe in order to feel calm and able to focus on the present moment again.
How To Breathe
When we breathe, we do not want to breathe from our chest and take shallow breaths where your shoulders and chest rise.
Instead, you want to breathe from your belly, which engages your diaphragm and helps you fill your lungs as much as possible.
First, I want you to imagine that there is a straw running from your mouth all the way down into your belly.
Place your hands on your belly and sit up straight with a flat back or lay flat on your back.
Inhale through your mouth, picturing air traveling from the top of the straw all the way down into your belly and fill your belly up like a balloon. Your hands should be expanding up and away from your body as they rest on the outside of your belly.
Exhale slowly again through your mouth and let your belly deflate back to baseline. Your hands should slowly descend down with your belly.
Once you have gotten the hang of your belly expanding, filling with air like a balloon, and then deflating and you are able to keep your shoulders down and body still other than your belly rising and falling, then you can begin to practice your breathing.
How To Practice Breathing
Again sit with a straight flat back or lay flat on your back and place your hands gently on your belly.
This time breathe in through your nose for 4 counts. You can count to 4, counting one count each second. So it should take you about 4 seconds to inhale.
Then, exhale through your mouth for 6 counts. Again counting to 6 for 6 seconds.
If you would like, you can take a couple second pause between your inhale and your exhale.
Repeat this pattern of breathing for a couple minutes.
After a minute or two, notice how your feel.
If you find your mind wandering and not being able to focus on your breath, compassionately acknowledge those thoughts that are coming up for you and then gently imagine sending them away in envelope in the mail. Once you have sent them away, gently come back to your breath and focus on your counts.
You may breathe for as long as it takes for you to feel calmer in your body and more centered.
If you are struggling with coping with stress or anxiety in your relationships and are needing help to understand how to ground yourself in your body and in the present moment, please click on the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation, and I would be happy to work with you on finding the calm and stillness needed to connect to yourself and to your partner in the way you deserve.
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